How to Defend Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Last week my junior high football squad was given the genuinely unpleasant opportunity to play against the Timberwolves; a team not known for stellar play from its offensive line or for tenacious defense but for their jerk of a wideout, Air Bud the "Golden Receiver." Don't let the wordplay fool you; this dog can play. I know coaches around the league are scratching their heads wondering how in the hell they're going to stop this canine. After seeing him play first hand, I feel as though I can offer a few tips that may help minimize Air Bud's impact on the game.







First of all, don't worry about stopping him completely. He found pay dirt five times against us before we even knew the game had started. This player has a nose for the end zone and, possibility most troubling of all, he's got easily twice the agility of any defensive player you have on the field. With four legs against two, it's not hard to see the advantage. So right off the bat you're going to have to accept that he'll probably put up 18 to 24 points against you by himself. Accept this fact, and then start to think about how to keep this scoring to a minimum.


I guarantee you're going to have to commit at least two defensive backs to the task of covering Air Bud. If you think you can put a corner all alone with this dog and not get scored on all game, then you're fooling yourself. You're going to want your best shut down corner on his case as soon as he crosses the line of scrimmage and then you'll need to put your fastest safety over the top. Now if you think for a second that I would recommend bracketing or bumping Air Bud, then obviously you haven't been paying attention. He's a fucking dog for Christ's sake; he'll run right between any defenders legs. Your players will just have to try to run with this animal and knock down passes from their decidedly non-canine quarterback.


This brings me to my next point: try pointing out to the refs that the Timberwolves have an actual dog on their team. We're not talking about a mascot but an actual non-human player. I have a feeling that there's a rule against this somewhere. Even if dogs are allowed to play football, this bastard doesn't even wear a modern helmet with a facemask, which I know is a requirement. Seriously this "receiver" doesn't even catch with his hands, he uses his mouth, HIS MOUTH. I'm pretty sure that if Jerry Rice tried to make plays with his teeth he wouldn't have been a 13 time pro-bowler. Then again, I'm mostly just venting frustration at this point; let's get back to the task at hand.


I've talked a great deal about Air Bud's strengths, but realize that he is a player who makes many rookie mistakes. He's incredibly undisciplined and if you can get a good deal of crowd noise he's liable to commit false start penalties. Also, you could try tossing tennis balls onto the field, those usually get him to jump across the line. Also, if you're playing in a night game, try shining a laser pointer on your defensive players, he'll jump all over them and you should draw an easy flag for offensive pass interference.


Most importantly, we must try to be rational, level-headed adults about this new Air Bud Era. For some reason, Air Bud is in this league, he is an offensive weapon, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to minimize his impact. If you can force the Timberwolves to spread the ball around to their other receivers, your team might just be able to hang in the game and knock out this junior high school football juggernaut in the making.




Appeared on College Humor